25 years ago...
The train windows flash the passing stations creating the effect that we're moving faster than reality...
The train car rattles and softly sways giving opposite sensations of complete loss of control and slight comfort. The rhythms collide and become hypnotic. It's midnight, or so...and I'm just trying to get to Port Authority. My heart is racing and my body is perspiring from my angst and the warmth of the subway platform. My mind has slowed...almost at ease, calm. Hypnotic...

Colorado Trail...
The beam of light from my headlamp creates tunnel vision and at this point it's entrancing. My peripherals are lost in the shadows and the overhead cover of the forest makes an even tighter squeeze of the night. It's midnight, or so...and I'm just trying to get to May Queen Aid. The trail falls with twists and turns, rocks and roots, making my pace both an uncontrolled stumble and something closer to running. My heart is in a race and racing, but my head is calm and focused. The rhythms collide and become hypnotic.

...and then it becomes familiar. I've felt this before...I've survived this before...and now I am reliving it. Totally different, but just the same. In this moment, I am both scared and invincible.

These two moments couldn't be farther from each other.... The first is my recollection of running wild in NYC. With my head full of cocaine I was riding the A Train out of Spanish Harlem.The second is mile 83 of the Leadville Trail 100. I am bombing down one of the tricky sections of trail racing the clock.

These addictions are similar in that I'm chasing the high and that my tolerances leave me wanting more, needing more. My mind is comfortable with the chaos and feels at ease while the world moves at a different rhythm. I love that section of trail even after 85 miles and I loved that train ride as much.

I no longer use those substances and choose to find my highs in sport and life. I am fortunate to have these as an outlet. My outcome could have been so much worse.

By no means am I promoting either of these as "healthy". These are just my experiences and how I see the similarities...

On the Trail...

Stories of Sobriety and Adventure

Reflections...